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DISCLAIMER: Yes I own them all. Paul lives in my bed. WAHAHAHAH. Benji is my
make-up artist; Billy is my abuse-bunny; Joel makes
money with his ho-in. He ho's, babeh. Hehe.
This fanfic was
written for a story competition, in which the story must include a pair of snails. LibertySpiked, my wonderful girlfriend
also wrote one, but we were up too late watching NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE (for Good Charlotte, of course!) and didn't get to
type them up. Ahhhh, my Paulie...
Billy's Ark
By Aura
the Rock Starr - modmadden - [saint aura*]
Billy Martin, as we all know, is the lovely blue-eyed guitarist of
the punk rock band, Good Charlotte. Billy is also a vegetarian and an animal fanatic, owning 127 pet hamsters.
This
is the story of how the seemingly sane Billy finally snapped...
One day, inside the Good Charlotte household, the twins
were wrestling each other on the couch. The prize was the TV remote.
"Squirrel tackle!" Joel cried, clawing at his
slightly heavier brother, who bit his arm. Hard.
"Oooooowwwwww!!!" Joel howled, knee-slamming Benji.
"That was-ARGH!!!"
Benji screamed, falling off the couch. Joel retrieved his precious remote and flicked the television to his favourite station:
The Weather Channel.
"No, no not the Weather Channel..." Benji moaned before he passed out. Joel continued to watch.
"And
today in Arkansas, there will be serious flooding..."
***
Billy was prowling around the house with the most
precious of his pet hamsters, Fluffy. He wandered past the lounge room and hearing the
TV, listened in.
"...there
will be serious flooding..."
Billy's eyed widened and he clutched his hamster to his chest.
"Fluffy! Flooding!
Quick, we need to warn the others!" Billy jibbered to himself, er, Fluffy, running to his room.
"Quick guys! We need
to build an ark!" he yelled at his hamster cage.
Of course there was no reply and Billy just said, "Fine then! You can all drown!
Wahahahahhaha!!!"
But we all know Billy would never let anything happen to his hamsters. So after building his ark
in the backyard he went to his hamster cage and said "Alright men, er, and women. As this is an ark, I'm afraid I'm only going
to be able to take two of you along, one male and one female. This of course, includes Fluffy, and er..."
Billy suddenly
realized he had no idea of Fluffy's gender. Billy went through the cage, pulling out hamsters and turning them upside down.
When he had looked at them all, he screamed.
"HOW THE HELL DO YOU TELL WHICH IS WHICH?!" he screamed at Fluffy,
who merely scratched his/her nose and squeaked.
"Fine then, I'm going to have to take all of you." Billy said, and
staggered out of the room with the cage.
"Er, Billy, what are you doing?" Paul asked.
"Getting animals
for my Ark." Billy answered, kicking the back door open.
"That boy has problems." Paul said, shaking his head.
***
Billy quickly put his hamsters in the ark.
The ark was really the upturned kitchen table, with pieces of wood
(and some of Chris's drumsticks.) nailed around the sides attached
to the legs so that it almost resembled a topless box.
Almost.
"Okay guys, I'm going to get more animals, so just stay here. And if it starts to flood, DONT MOVE."
Billy
walked around the neighbourhood, and found a pair of snails.
Grabbing them, he took them back to the ark.
"You
two will be great for the ark!" he said placing them in with the hamsters.
He then went off to find other animals and
was delighted when he came across a pair of cats.
"I hope one of you is male and one is female!"
***
"What
is Billy doing?" Joel asked, staring at the ark out the window.
"Building an ark." Paul answered, checking his mobile to see if the number for the
nearest mental asylum was still in his directory.
It was. Thank God.
"Ohh... right." Joel said, shaking his
head.
***
Billy came back, holding his precious new cats and smiled.
"Now I have an ark to call my own."
He
looked in, expecting to see his beloved hamsters staring up at him.
But now there were no hamsters in the ark now.
Instead
there were two giant, well-fed looking snails in there, licking their lips (yes, lips.) contentedly.
"AAARRRGGGHHH!!!"
Billy screamed, catching the attention of Benji, Joel, Paul and Chris, who ran outside to see what was wrong.
They
saw Billy lying on the grass, kicking and screaming.
"M-m-my HAMSTERS!!!" he sobbed, as Benji kneeled down next to
him, stroking his hair.
"Don't worry Billy, well get you a new hamster."
"I dont w-w-want a new hamster! I w-w-want
FLUFFY and SPOT and MISSY and-and-and WAHHH!!!" Billy started sobbing again as Benji held him, whispering, "Ssshhh, itll be
okay..." into his ear.
"Come on Paul, lets go to the pet shop." Joel said, leaving Billy and Benji to cry over Billy's
hamsters.
***
Half an hour later, Joel, Paul and Chris walked back outside to where Benji was helping Billy
to dismantle the ark.
"Billy?" Joel called out hesitantly.
Billy turned around. His eye shadow and eyeliner
had run and his cheeks were stained with hot pink.
"Billy, we couldn't get you a new hamster. The guy at the pet shop
said he had sold them all to "some fucking weird punk guy", but we
got you a new pet! Look!"
Billy looked cautious
as Paul pulled a box from behind his back.
"Just look." Chris urged.
Billy opened the lid and screamed, "A PAIR
OF SNAILS!!!", then promptly fainted.
THE END.
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